So, to begin with, I actually read that post from 2015… A moment of silence for my social life… and strangely enough, I’ve moved again. Not to a different region this time, not even to a different town, just to a different apartment, but I do feel however, that it was to a different time.
Perhaps a transition to a different time in my life. A time of learning.. My word I’m almost 30, and to be honest I feel no closer to fully knowing who exactly I am than I did when I was 20. A few things remain constant though – I still can’t stand Facebook, well not the platform, but the concept, my sister posted a picture stating “sick in bed” to her followers and truthfully I don’t understand how you could post something so insignificant, or unflattering. She is the total opposite of me, she flourishes under all the different social media umbrellas and she’s quite the expert. Admittedly I love reading her food blog – it’s so down to earth and real, now that, I can relate to – but why post yourself when you’re ill? I won’t ever understand it, and I won’t have to. I’m far too old to fit in with the millennial concept of things.
One thing I do know is that well, looking at staying connected to friends over the years, moving to a different region, and plenty of them being overseas now, has been narrowed down to whatsapp. I’ve only recently mastered the art of a whatsapp video call and shudder if someone goes “just use facetime” – I don’t even want to know.
So, as this post is me musing at like one in the morning just to get back into the swing of things I thought I’d compare with what I said in 2015. And so far, its all true. We all still work ourselves into oblivion – although a little bit of restful holiday isn’t going to do anyone any harm, however not always practical.
Everyone has good days and bad days – from prisoners to cancer patients to presidents. Everyone has good times and bad times
So, to continue my then and now musing – I think then I was very nervous and unsettled about life, and now having a few extra years behind me, I fully believe life is a cycle. You get good times, and bad times. Everyone has good days and bad days – from prisoners to cancer patients to presidents – everyone has good times and bad times, family drama or work problems, there is always that something to stress about, that trouble that keeps your life from being “perfect.” I had a tough blow recently, and it felt like I was being kicked in the gut a hundred times over, and I realized that’s just how life is. When you’re in the bad times, hold on, the cycle will change sooner or later, the good will come. Admittedly that makes me a tad suspicious when good times arrive – I always end up wondering how long they will last. But perhaps I should focus more on enjoying the moment.
As to the social life part I am in a very strange cross-roads, for in the last four years we have made a few friends, lost a few friends, and fallen to family in some places. Some family, (like my sister for example) has been there right in the thick of it – in the worst of the worst she stood right by me when no one else would and I totally salute her for that.
More to the end of last year and to the start of this one a major change in dynamic happened in my life and I realized that while I thought I had a handful of friends, when the darkest days came, I was left standing alone. Truth be told that sucked. It hurt. It dragged my soul to the edge of hell – and I could tell I had aged by the way I reacted to all of this in the core of my being. I’m literally just waiting it out.
Ah, the cross-roads, after having very close friends chew me up and spit me out and trample me to the ground, I decided I’d had enough. I withdraw from humanity for two weeks – remained on my couch reading books so as to not disturb any one else with my existence – and everything fell apart. Those who hated me, hated me even more. Eish and I thought if I left them alone they’d be happy, forget about me, and move on. That was not the case. Everything went spiraling out of control. Again I had enough. I withdrew even further back, threw myself into work, and lost all interest in my numerous hobbies.
Then I moved. I realized that I can’t lose myself because of others – what they think or how they treat me – living by their standards is never, ever going to work out well and I will always feel lost. Lost inside. Deeply lost. Lost like you’re the only one staring out into a supernova in outer space – It’s gorgeous – It sparkles – It’s mind-blowing – It’s cold – It’s lonely. It’s like a slow motion bad acid trip. I had to wake up. Put my head into an ocean of cold, icy water and wake the hell up. My soul still aches. My heart still screams – though I admittedly still silence it with work and loud music, it still screams.
I will always feel lost. Lost inside. Deeply lost. Lost like you’re the only one staring out into a supernova in outer space – It’s gorgeous – It sparkles – It’s mind-blowing – It’s cold – It’s lonely.
Thus I purposed that I would dig deep and get back into my roots. Back into who I was, and the things I truly enjoy – art, music, poetry, reading, extreme sports, astronomy, technology, photography (I really have many hobbies) and I promised myself I would, no matter how hard it hurts, get back to being me. Although in the back of my mind I still figured I could do without friends, and won’t even bother trying again. But here the challenge arrives – Just when I decided that I’ve had it – that there’s no more social other than the need – to – do for work and such, two new acquaintances kind of just landed on my path. One with interests in psychology and literature and poetry and books, and one who I knew very long ago – a blast from the past if you will – and she was sitting in our office (we don’t work together, but our work is related) and all of a sudden, with a glow in her eye, went ”you know what, take my number, lets get together, we’ve got to catch up!” My heart actually froze when she said that – but it also hit me square in the chest – these could be two wonderful new friends – and here I’m sitting scared to find out.
It’s like a slow motion bad acid trip. I had to wake up. Put my head into an ocean of cold, icy water and wake the hell up.
My problem is, okay well obviously scared of things not working out – because they haven’t exactly worked out before – and also, now I have these two potential new friends, but I have no idea how to bridge the gap from “acquaintance” to “friend.” Apparently, normal people maximize on common interests, so potential friend A and I have been trading books. Literature and Shakespeare mostly, but it’s a start. Friend B asked if we could meet for coffee sometime, and somehow that seems waaaay more difficult, but my socialite sister had an interesting suggestion: I should have a housewarming for the new apartment – I’ve only been there two weeks now, so I suppose it could still count. Maybe I should. It’s a tough one though since I have a very hard time letting people into my space – but one step at a time. Four people in an apartment could be called a party I guess, or just a coffee gig. I think that will be the story for next time – how did I warm up that new apartment? Party? Coffee night? Chess? Crafts? Book Club?
Wish me luck everyone – I’m going to do it. Hold a four-person event in celebrating a new start. Not sure what to theme it or call it, but I’ll definitely tell you guys how it went.
Signing off for now, and thanks for reading!